No one tells you that one of the best parts of getting older isn’t caring less—it’s caring about the right things.

My 20s were spent trying to prove myself. My 30s were about surviving. My 40s were spent trying to convince myself that one day life would feel less chaotic.

Spoiler alert: I still have a teenager, so chaos hasn’t completely packed its bags.

Then my 50s arrived.

They’re not perfect. I still overthink. I still have bad days. But somewhere along the way, I started letting go of things that were making life heavier than it needed to be.

Here are 10 things I’ve quit doing—and I’ve never felt lighter.

1. I Quit Saying Sorry for Everything

I used to apologize for asking questions, taking up space, speaking up in meetings, or existing within a five-foot radius of another human being.

Now? I save “I’m sorry” for when I’ve actually done something wrong.

“Excuse me” and “thank you for waiting” work just fine.

2. I Quit Saying Yes When I Meant No

People-pleasing is exhausting.

I finally realized that every unnecessary “yes” was stealing time and energy from something—or someone—I actually cared about.

“No” isn’t rude.

It’s a complete sentence.

3. I Quit Hanging Around Toxic People

Life is too short to spend it walking on eggshells.

Whether it’s constant negativity, manipulation, or people who only call when they need something, I’ve learned that protecting my peace isn’t selfish.

It’s survival.

4. I Traded FOMO for JOMO

I used to feel obligated to attend every event, answer every invitation, and keep up with everyone else’s highlight reel.

Not anymore.

The Joy of Missing Out often looks like pajamas, a good horror movie, and absolutely no regrets.

5. I Quit Comparing My Life to Everyone Else’s

Comparison is exhausting because you’re measuring your behind-the-scenes against someone else’s carefully edited highlight reel.

My timeline doesn’t have to look like yours.

And yours doesn’t have to look like mine.

6. I Quit Caring So Much About What Other People Think

This one took decades.

The truth is, most people aren’t thinking about us nearly as much as we imagine.

And the people who truly matter won’t stop loving you because you changed your hairstyle, picked up a new hobby, or gained a few pounds.

Case in point: the photo in this post is of me and my husband. We were the subjects of our daughter’s photography class project. The first time I saw it, all I could focus on was the weight I’d gained during perimenopause and the wrinkles on my face.

Now, I see something completely different.

I see two people who are still deeply in love, enjoying each other’s company. I see laughter, comfort, and years of shared life together. That’s what the photo captured—not my waistline or my crow’s feet.

Five years ago, I never would have shared this picture on the internet. Today, I’m proud to, because I’d rather celebrate a beautiful moment than hide behind my insecurities.

7. I Quit Waiting to Be Happy

I used to think happiness would arrive after I lost weight…

Or when life got less stressful.

Or when the house stayed clean for more than 15 minutes.

Turns out happiness isn’t a destination.

It’s usually hiding in little moments—a quiet morning, laughing with my kiddo, a walk outside, or finally sitting down with a cup of coffee before it gets cold.

8. I Quit Comfort Eating My Feelings

Food isn’t the enemy.

But I finally realized I wasn’t always eating because I was hungry.

Sometimes I was tired.

Sometimes I was stressed.

Sometimes I was bored.

Learning the difference has been a gift to both my body and my mind.

9. I Quit Beating Myself Up

If I spoke to my friends the way I used to speak to myself, I wouldn’t have many friends left.

Midlife has taught me that grace isn’t something we only offer other people.

We deserve it, too.

10. I Quit Trying to Be Perfect

Perfection is exhausting.

And honestly?

Nobody else expected it from me nearly as much as I expected it from myself.

These days I’ll happily choose authentic over polished, progress over perfection, and peace over impossible standards.

What Midlife Has Taught Me

Getting older isn’t about giving up.

It’s about giving up the things that were never serving us in the first place.

I’m still a work in progress. Some days I slip back into old habits. But the difference now is that I notice sooner, forgive myself faster, and keep moving forward.

And if that’s what my 50s have taught me, I can’t wait to see what the next decade has in store.

Now it’s your turn. What things have you stopped doing during your current season of life?

If you’re new here, I’m so glad you found your way.

Life rarely unfolds the way we planned. Between parenting, work, relationships, changing seasons of life, and trying to keep up with the endless demands of adulthood, it’s easy to feel like we’re simply trying to stay afloat.

That’s why I created Chaos & Calm.

This is a place for honest conversations about navigating the beautiful messiness of everyday life. Some weeks we’ll talk about parenting—especially the joys and challenges of raising a neurodivergent child. Other weeks we’ll explore personal growth, books, productivity, home, creativity, or the small moments that remind us to slow down and breathe.

In other words, if it’s part of living a meaningful life, it’s welcome here.

What you’ll find here

When you subscribe, you can expect a mix of:

• Thoughtful essays about parenting and family life

• ADHD insights and practical strategies from a parent’s perspective

• Reflections on midlife, resilience, and personal growth

• Book recommendations and things I’m loving

• Productivity tips for busy, imperfect people

• Gentle reminders that you don’t have to have it all figured out

Some posts will make you think. Others will (hopefully) make you smile. And every now and then, I’ll simply share what’s been on my heart.

This isn’t about perfection

The internet has enough highlight reels.

I don’t have all the answers, and I’m not pretending to. I’m simply sharing what I’ve learned through experience—the victories, the mistakes, the lessons, and the moments that make life unexpectedly beautiful.

If something I write helps you feel a little less alone, a little more hopeful, or gives you one practical idea you can use tomorrow, then this newsletter has done its job.

Why subscribe?

Subscribing is free, and every new post will arrive in your inbox.

You’ll never have to wonder if you’ve missed something, and you’ll be part of a growing community of readers who appreciate thoughtful writing over algorithms and connection over perfection.

Whether you’re here because you’re parenting a child with ADHD, navigating midlife, trying to create more calm in a busy life, or simply enjoy reflective writing, I hope you’ll find something that resonates.

Thank you for being here.

I’m excited for what’s ahead.

— Michelle

Somewhere along the way, I picked up the idea that I was supposed to have it all together.

An upwardly mobile career. A house clean enough for a Better Homes and Gardens photo shoot. A family that looks relaxed, coordinated, and not at all like we’d just threatened to turn the car around. A calendar full of meaningful commitments. And somehow, I was supposed to pull all of it off while looking calm, grateful, and like I definitely knew what was for dinner.

Spoiler alert: that’s not my life.

Some days I answer emails like a productivity guru. Other days I can’t remember the last time I washed my hair (gross, I know!), door dashed dinner for the umpteenth time, and can’t remember where I set down my coffee.

There have been mornings when I’ve reheated the same cup of coffee three times and still found it sitting in the microwave at lunch. I’ve signed school forms in the car, searched for shoes that were apparently invisible to everyone but me, and walked into a room with absolute confidence only to forget why I went in there.

Welcome to midlife.

For years, I measured myself against women who seemed to do everything well. Their homes looked magazine-worthy. Their vacations were Instagram-perfect. Their children always appeared happy and successful.

At some point, I started noticing that most of us are only showing part of the story.

Not in a fake way, exactly. More like we’re all choosing the parts we’re comfortable letting people see. We post the good photo, not the sink full of dishes right outside the frame. We mention the fun family outing, not the argument in the car on the way there. We leave out the forgotten appointments, the laundry piles, the anxiety, and the moments when we’re pretty sure we’re messing this whole thing up.

I’ve taken plenty of those cropped, smiling photos too. What you don’t see is me moving a pile of mail out of the shot, asking everyone to please act normal for ten seconds, or silently hoping nobody notices the dog hair on my shirt.

As the mom of a daughter with ADHD, I’ve had to let go of perfection more times than I can count. Honestly, perfection never stood much of a chance in our house anyway. Plans change. Emotions run high. Some days we pivot. Some days we just survive until bedtime and try again tomorrow.

There have been homework nights that ended with both of us frustrated, backpacks dumped by the door, and me lying awake later replaying what I could have handled better. There have also been moments when she surprised me with her creativity, her honesty, or the way her brain connects things I never would have seen. Those moments have taught me more than any perfectly color-coded parenting plan ever could.

Ironically, that’s made me a better parent.

Midlife has done the same thing.

I’ve stopped believing that success means doing everything well. These days, success is making it through a hard week without completely running myself into the ground. It’s saying no without turning it into a whole speech. It’s accepting that a few things can drop and the world will keep spinning.

I used to feel guilty if I sat down before everything was finished. Now, sometimes I sit down anyway. The dishes can wait. The email can wait. The laundry has already been waiting, so clearly it has patience.

I’ve also realized that average is not nearly as bad as I once thought.

I don’t need to be the best-dressed mom, the most organized employee, the most adventurous traveler, or the woman with the perfectly labeled pantry bins. I’d rather be someone my people can relax around. Someone who shows up, laughs at the chaos, and builds a life that feels real instead of one that just looks good from the outside.

That’s enough.

Actually, it’s more than enough.

The older I get, the more I realize nobody really has this figured out. Life doesn’t work like a checklist where you eventually mark every box and arrive at some calm, tidy version of yourself. At least mine doesn’t. It’s more like adjusting, dropping things, picking them back up, laughing when you can, and apologizing when you need to.

Maybe having it all together was never the goal.

Maybe the goal is learning to keep going when life gets messy—and to laugh a little when it falls apart in the most inconvenient way possible.

So here’s my confession.

I’m a midlife mom who’s still figuring things out. I don’t always return texts promptly. My house isn’t spotless. My to-do list never ends. I occasionally forget appointments, overthink conversations, and wonder what’s for dinner at 5:30 p.m.

I have sent birthday cards late, bought a gift on the way to the party, and opened the refrigerator at the end of the day hoping dinner would somehow reveal itself. I’ve cried over things that probably weren’t really about the thing in front of me, then laughed ten minutes later because life is ridiculous and apparently so am I.

And somehow, despite all of that, my life is still good.

Not because I finally got everything together, but because I stopped believing I had to.

Maybe that’s one of the best parts of getting older.

The relief of finally admitting I don’t have to be great at everything.

If you’re feeling like everyone else has it figured out except you, I promise you’re not alone. Most of us are just doing the best we can with the day in front of us, even if that day includes cereal for dinner, unanswered texts, and a basket of laundry we’ve been pretending not to see.

And that, I’ve come to believe, is enough.

I don’t know what my viewing habits say about me, but if you looked at my watch list, you’d probably conclude that I either love true crime, horror, or have an unhealthy fascination with people making terrible decisions.

Honestly? Fair.

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Between documentaries that leave me yelling at the TV and horror movies that make me question every noise I hear in the house, here’s what’s currently occupying my screen time.

TV Shows I’m Watching

Something Very Bad Is Going to Happen

The title alone tells you this won’t be a lighthearted wedding story.

This eerie horror miniseries follows an engaged couple preparing for their wedding at a secluded family estate. What begins as normal pre-wedding stress quickly spirals into something much darker, with unsettling family secrets, supernatural undertones, and a growing sense of dread that refuses to let up. If you’re a fan of slow-burn horror, this one delivers.

Trust Me: The False Prophet

I never seem to run out of cult documentaries.

This gripping series follows a cult expert and filmmaker as they infiltrate a fundamentalist religious sect to expose self-proclaimed prophet Samuel Bateman. The story is equal parts fascinating and horrifying, offering a close-up look at manipulation, power, and the courage it takes to uncover the truth.

The Crash

Netflix revisits the highly publicized Mackenzie Shirilla case in this documentary series examining the 2022 crash that killed two young men and led to a murder conviction. Through interviews, courtroom footage, and new perspectives, it explores the evidence and the questions that still linger around the case.

The Perfect Neighbor

This documentary proves that sometimes the scariest stories don’t involve monsters.

Using police footage, interviews, and firsthand accounts, it examines a neighborhood dispute that escalated into tragedy. It’s unsettling, heartbreaking, and raises difficult questions about conflict, accountability, and how quickly situations can spiral out of control.

Aileen: Queen of the Serial Killers

This documentary revisits the life and crimes of Aileen Wuornos, one of America’s most notorious female serial killers. Through archival footage and interviews, it explores her troubled history, criminal acts, and the media spectacle that followed her case.

Your Friends and Neighbors

Every neighborhood has secrets. Some are just better at hiding them.

This darkly comedic drama peels back the polished exterior of suburban life to reveal betrayals, bad decisions, and plenty of dysfunction lurking beneath the surface. The sharp writing and strong performances make it dangerously easy to binge.

Movies I Watched

Backrooms

If you’ve ever stumbled across the Backrooms phenomenon online, you already know how unsettling it can be.

This film takes the familiar internet nightmare and turns it into a full psychological horror experience. Endless yellow hallways, eerie liminal spaces, and an overwhelming sense of isolation create a constant feeling of unease that lingers long after the movie ends.

Send Help

Part survival thriller, part dark comedy, this film follows two plane-crash survivors forced to depend on one another despite their very different personalities. As they struggle to survive, they’re also forced to confront the emotional baggage they brought with them.

The Bone Temple

The latest chapter in the 28 Years Later universe expands the franchise in some fascinating—and deeply unsettling—ways.

As Spike becomes entangled with Jimmy Crystal’s cult and Dr. Kelson continues his mysterious work, the film explores the darker corners of human nature in a devastated world. It’s strange, brutal, and proof that the infected aren’t always the most terrifying threat.

Good Boy

This may be one of the most unique horror films I’ve watched recently.

Told entirely from the perspective of a dog named Indy, the story follows a loyal pup who senses something sinister lurking inside his owner’s new home. It’s creepy, emotional, and had my entire family rooting for the dog from beginning to end.

If I Had Legs I’d Kick You

This dark comedy-drama is not always an easy watch, but it’s an incredibly compelling one.

Following a therapist struggling to care for her sick child while her own life threatens to unravel, it’s a raw, chaotic portrait of burnout, caregiving, and modern motherhood.

Sinners

There’s a reason everyone has been talking about this movie.

Blending supernatural horror with Southern Gothic atmosphere, Sinners is stylish, intense, and packed with memorable performances. It’s the kind of film that sticks with you—and maybe keeps you thinking about it for days afterward.

What’s on Your Watch List?

I’m always looking for my next binge-worthy series, true-crime documentary, or horror movie that will leave me sleeping with one eye open.

What are you watching right now? Tell me what’s worth adding to my ever-growing list.

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Hi friends,

When I first started this newsletter, my goal was to create a lifeline for parents navigating the beautifully hectic world of neurodiversity. I love this community so much, and that core mission is never going to change.

But as this space has grown, I’ve realized two things:

1. “Order” isn’t always the goal. Sometimes, parenting a child with ADHD is about finding peace right in the middle of the storm.

2. I want a space to share more than just clinical tips—I want to share the human side of things, too.

Because of that, this newsletter is officially evolving into Chaos & Calm.

Alongside the name change, I am organizing this space into two brand-new sections so you can customize exactly what hits your inbox:

• ADHD Parenting Insights: This is the core space for the practical resources you know and love, including my printable guide, Explaining ADHD to Grandparents.

• Chelle Says: This is my new personal notebook. It’s a cozy corner dedicated to aging intentionally, paying attention, and finding meaning in everyday life through personal essays and bookish thoughts.

What you need to do:
Absolutely nothing! As a current subscriber, you are automatically on the list for both.

However, I want you to have total control over your inbox. If you are strictly here for the ADHD tools and want to skip the personal essays, you can go to your account settings at any time and uncheck “Chelle Says.” No hard feelings at all!

Thank you for being here, for trusting me with your inbox, and for letting this space grow into something richer for all of us.

Look out for a brand-new parenting resource coming your way next week under our new look!

Warmly,
Michelle Johnson

Since entering my 50s a few years ago, I’ve become fiercely protective of my time, energy, and peace. After spending all week working (even from the comfort of home), the last thing I want is a weekend schedule packed with enough activities to rival cruise director Julie McCoy’s itinerary. (If you got that reference, congratulations—you’ve officially earned your midlife credentials.)

For a while, I wondered if I was becoming antisocial. Why did the idea of a crowded social calendar suddenly feel exhausting instead of exciting? Why did I find myself declining invitations I would have eagerly accepted a decade ago? Why did a quiet Saturday in front of the TV with my family, a long walk, or absolutely nothing on the agenda sound infinitely more appealing than another obligation?

As it turns out, I’m far from alone.

Researchers who study women in midlife have found that the years surrounding menopause often coincide with what many experts call a “midlife collision”—a period when women are simultaneously navigating careers, aging parents, changing marriages, launching children into adulthood, financial pressures, and significant hormonal changes. It’s a lot. In fact, studies have found that women in midlife frequently report feeling stretched between multiple responsibilities while searching for greater balance and a stronger sense of self.

The hormonal shifts of perimenopause and menopause can also affect sleep, mood, stress tolerance, and cognitive energy. When you’re running on less sleep and your brain is working harder just to process everyday demands, it’s no surprise that your enthusiasm for packed schedules begins to wane.

But there may be something else happening, too.

Many women describe menopause not as a withdrawal from life but as a recalibration. The people-pleasing tendencies that carried us through our 20s, 30s, and 40s often begin to loosen their grip. We become more selective about how we spend our time, who we spend it with, and what deserves our limited energy. Activities that once felt obligatory suddenly invite a simple question: Do I actually want to do this?

For perhaps the first time in our lives, the answer matters.

What can look from the outside like becoming less social may actually be becoming more intentional. We’re not necessarily retreating from the world—we’re editing it. We’re trading quantity for quality, busyness for meaning, and obligations for choices.

And honestly? After decades of showing up for everyone else, that sounds less like a crisis and more like wisdom.

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In her insightful book, The Good Sleep Guide for Neurodivergent Kids, clinical psychologist Dr. Melisa Moore explains why. She reminds us that sleep is not always simple. To many kids, the entire process is a mystery. They need us to break down the steps clearly.

Below is an excerpt from her book. She shares a scary personal story from a family vacation. She also offers practical tools like pictures, charts, and lists to make bedtime easier tonight.

Excerpt: “Talking to Your Neurodiverse Kid About Sleep”

By Melisa Moore, PhD

Neurodiverse people by nature see the world differently. We once took our kids to Disney World, and while walking to dinner at the hotel, Henry spontaneously ran into the elevator and pushed a button before we could get in with him or stop him. He got off the elevator wherever it stopped (there were many floors), and then he hid — most likely because he didn’t understand what had happened or where he was.

I had no idea how to find him, and I became hysterical in the hotel lobby, begging the hotel manager for help. No words can express how powerless and terrified I felt. At home, Henry sometimes hid in the coat closet or under the table, and thanks to our wonderful behavior therapist Beth, we had taught Henry that if he heard us call, “Henry, where are you?” in a singsongy voice, he would respond, “Here I am!” We had practiced this quite a lot at home, so through my tears, I tried to singsong-scream for him. Henry’s dad visited different floors while I stayed in the lobby yelling. After the longest fifteen minutes of my life, a little voice called out, “Here I am, Mommy.”

That evening, our guardian-angel hotel manager sent a gift basket to our room as an extra treat. After bedtime, while stress- eating Mickey Mouse–shaped Rice Krispy treats, I tried to put myself in Henry’s shoes. Why had he done that? I realized he had no clue that when you push the number button in an elevator, it goes to that floor. He had no idea that hotels have different floors. He didn’t understand that when you get in an elevator and push the button, you don’t always get to see Mickey Mouse. Why hadn’t I taught him about elevators? Neurodiverse kids don’t always perceive things the way we expect or as others do; that’s part of what makes them wonderfully different. They may not intuitively pick up expectations or watch other people to figure out how something works, so they need someone to break it down and communicate the steps explicitly. This is true about sleeping. To most people, sleeping is simple: You get ready for bed, get into the bed, turn the light off, and go to sleep. Then you stay asleep in your bed until you wake up in the morning. To some people, this process is a mystery, and each step must be taught.

If you haven’t done so before, make sure to communicate to your neurodiverse child what sleep entails, breaking it down into specific steps and clear behaviors. The whole process of getting to sleep involves several transitions, all of which can be challenging for neurodiverse kids.

1. Stop the current activity, which may be preferred.

2. Start a new activity (the bedtime routine), which is likely not preferred.

3. At the end of the routine, get into bed and turn the lights off.

4. While in bed, the body is still, the voice is quiet, and (usually) the eyes are closed.

5. Then wait for sleep to arrive and stay asleep (or remain quiet and safe in bed) until morning.

How you phrase these steps is up to you and what works best for your child. I suggest using simple instructions that emphasize the desired action or behavior (“body is still” rather than “stop moving”). In addition, I like to use the phrase “wait for sleep” rather than “try to go to sleep.” The reason is that any effort to make sleep happen usually gets in the way. Framing this as “waiting” versus “trying” might alleviate a bit of anxiety, and it sets up a realistic expectation about falling asleep.

Visual Aids, Charts, Checklists, and Stories

To teach neurodiverse kids about expectations, situations, and desired behaviors, therapists of all types, teachers, paraprofessionals, and other experts have developed several effective communication methods, in various modalities, including assistive communication devices. The main ones are “first/then” visual aids, charts, checklists, and social stories, which I describe below. While these work consistently for many neurodiverse people, consider your child’s age, developmental level, and preferred method of communication. It can be helpful to ask the professionals on your child’s team the best ways they’ve found to communicate to children with similar needs and neurodiversity. I also try to use simple, memorable language. For example, they know the areas they must wash every time they get in the tub: face and hands, pits (armpits), piggies (toes and feet), and privates. They think the three P’s are funny, and it’s been easy for them to remember.

Examples of visual aids, charts, and social stories related to bedtime and sleep can be found on my website (www.drmelisamoore.com). Feel free to use these or modify them for your child. In addition, you can find examples on the internet that cover thousands of different scenarios.

First/Then Visuals

The first/then or when/then concept is to create a visual that represents two actions, one a result of the other. If the child does something first, or when they do it, then they get to do the other thing. Typically, the other thing is a reward, or something the child prefers. Visually, this is usually represented by two illustrations or pictures, each labeled, on either side of a rectangle divided in half. The left side is red and is the “first/when” task; the right side is green and is the “then” reward. For example, at bedtime, if you want to convey to your child that they must take a shower before reading books, it might look like this:

Introduce the first/then card just before the shower — or anytime your child asks for the reward during other parts of the routine. It can help to keep a few cards in different spots around the house so they’re easy to grab when you need them. For example, if your child asks for a book during their bedtime snack, you can show them the first/then card you’ve tucked away in the kitchen. It may take several tries for your child to grasp the first/then concept, so keep it light and consistent.

Bedtime Chart

Bedtime charts are visual representations of the sequence of steps in the bedtime routine. These can increase predictability and decrease anxiety at bedtime. The visuals can be clip art, stick figure drawings, or pictures from online, and words are optional. While it’s good if the pictures correspond to your child and setting, the details do not have to exactly correspond. For example, it’s fine to use a picture of a blue bathtub, even if yours is white. I recommend creating a chart that makes it easy to print multiples. Post the bedtime chart in the room where the child sleeps, and at the very beginning of the bedtime routine, review all the steps. You can point to each step and name it. You may also want to put one copy in the bathroom and/or other locations where the routine occurs. So, when your child asks for another book, you can point to the chart and say, “Look, the chart says we only read three books.” Below is an example.

Bedtime Checklist

Checklists are another simple way to help neurodiverse kids of all ages get things done. They can also be good tools for facilitating independence. You can use a dry-erase board or a laminated, wipe-off chart, or use Velcro-backed pictures or words that start on the left and that are moved to the right when the task is complete. The checklist could be in pictures rather than words or on your child’s assistive communication device. As your child is learning, review the whole list at the beginning of the routine, before each individual step, and/or at the end of the routine to make sure everything has been completed. Once they understand it, you can simply review their completed checklist when they report that they are done.

About the Author

Melisa Moore, PhD, is the author of The Good Sleep Guide for Neurodivergent Kids. A clinical psychologist board certified in behavioral sleep medicine, she has a practice in the Los Angeles area working with children, teens, and young adults across the country for a variety of sleep and mood issues, specializing in neurodiversity. Visit her online at http://www.DrMelisaMoore.com.

Excerpted from the book The Good Sleep Guide for Neurodivergent Kids by Melisa Moore. Copyright © 2026 by Melisa Moore, PhD. Printed with permission from New World Library — www.newworldlibrary.com.

Let’s Chat!

Do you use visual charts or checklists for your child’s bedtime routine? What has worked best in your home? Let me know in the comments below!

This is the reality for twice-exceptional (2e) children. These unique learners are intellectually gifted while simultaneously navigating one or more learning differences or neurodivergences—such as ADHD, autism, dyslexia, or dysgraphia.

The Paradox of Asynchronous Development

For 2e kids, development does not happen in a straight line. Their chronological age, intellectual capacity, and emotional regulation skills often operate at vastly different levels. A 2e child might possess the vocabulary of an adult but experience the intense, overwhelming emotional meltdowns of a toddler.

Flying Under the Radar

Because their high intelligence frequently masks their disabilities—and vice versa—many 2e children slip through the cracks of traditional school systems. They are often labeled as “lazy,” “unmotivated,” or “behavioral problems” when they struggle. In reality, they are exerting massive amounts of internal energy just trying to cope.

How Parents Can Support at Home

• Provide Scaffolding: Offer visual checklists, audiobooks, and routines to support weak executive functioning.

• Nurture Self-Esteem: Remind them that their struggles do not cancel out their intelligence.

• Focus on Strengths First: Feed their intense passions rather than just drilling their skill deficits:

  • Integrate passions into required subjects: For example, if your teen loves video game design but struggles with writing, allow them to write the storyline for a game or analyze the narrative of their favorite titles. This is good practice for school assignments, like essays and book reports. Better yet, seek assignment modifications with your child’s teachers (see ideas and examples below).

  • Leverage hyperfocus for skill-building: Channel their natural ability to dive deep into topics. If they are hyper-focused on astrophysics or coding, use that intensity to help them figure out complex math homework problems, research, or time-management skills organically.

  • Use assistive tech for deficits: Do not let dysgraphia or executive dysfunction block their brilliant ideas. Utilize tools like speech-to-text or mind-mapping apps, like Milanote, so they can express their high-level concepts without getting bogged down by the physical act of writing.

  • Outsource the struggle: When drilling deficits causes severe meltdowns or anxiety, compromise. For instance, help them draft a plan for a project outline, but let them utilize a word processor’s grammar and spelling check tools to handle the final polish.

Reframe the Homework Environment

Control the environment at home to connect boring schoolwork to their intense passions.

• The “sandwich” method: Structure study time by letting them work on a passion project for 20 minutes, tackle 20 minutes of required schoolwork, and return to their passion.

• Body doubling: Sit with them while they work on dry assignments, or let them do homework on a video call with a friend who is also studying.

• Gamify the grind: Work together to turn mundane memorization into a trivia game or an interactive digital quiz with rewards connected to their hobbies.

Advocate for Assignment Modifications

You can request accommodations through a 504 Plan or IEP that alter the format of an assignment without changing the academic standard.

• Format Flexibility: Ask if your teen can submit a video essay, a podcast episode, or a graphic novel instead of a traditional written paper.

• Topic Tailoring: Request permission to bend standard prompts toward their hyperfocus, such as analyzing the economics of a favorite video game for a social studies project.

• Reduced Volume: Advocate for “mastery over compliance” by asking the teacher to assign only every other math problem to demonstrate knowledge without triggering executive burnout.

How Teachers Can Support in the Classroom

• Separate Output from Knowledge: Allow oral presentations, speech-to-text tools, or mind maps instead of long essays.

• Compact the Curriculum: Let them skip basic drills if they master concepts quickly to avoid boredom-induced misbehavior.

• Avoid Taking Away Breaks: Do not withhold recess or creative arts classes to make up for unfinished academic work.

Outsource Mechanical Deficits at School

Separate your teen’s high-level thinking from their executive function deficits during the school day.

• Speech-to-text tools: Secure accommodations to use voice-typing software during essay tests so writing mechanics do not block their complex thoughts.

• Graphic organizers: Ask teachers to provide pre-made visual outlines or mind-mapping templates before your teen starts major projects.

• Aide or peer support: Request a scribe or a designated note-taker so your teen can actively listen and participate in class discussions without getting lost in the details of writing.

Recommended Resources for the 2e Journey

• Books: “Bright Not Broken” by Diane M. Kennedy and “To Be Gifted and Learning Disabled” by Linda C. Brody.

• Websites: SENG (Supporting Emotional Needs of the Gifted) and 2e News for up-to-date research.

• Podcasts: “The Tilt Parenting Podcast” and “Mind Matters Podcast” for expert interviews and community stories.

By shifting our perspective from “fixing a deficit” to “nurturing a whole child,” we can help 2e learners build the confidence they need to thrive.

What strategies have worked best for your 2e child? Let us know in the comments below!

If you have an ADHD teen, mornings can feel like a daily race against the clock.

Every school morning for us used to follow the same exhausting script.

“Get up.”
“Did you brush your teeth?”
“Why are you still in your pajamas?”

No matter how early we woke our ADHD teen, we were still rushing out the door late.

I assumed it was procrastination.

It wasn’t.

It was time blindness.

Time blindness is the inability to accurately gauge the passage of time, estimate how long tasks will take, or plan ahead. For many kids with ADHD, this shows up as severe procrastination, chronic lateness, and missed deadlines.

To outsiders, it can look like laziness or defiance.

But that’s not what’s happening.

For ADHD brains, time often feels abstract instead of concrete. Five minutes and twenty minutes can feel the same. A quick task can expand endlessly. And mornings — when multiple steps must happen in sequence — can feel especially overwhelming.

For a long time, our mornings were tense and full of reminders. I felt like a broken record, cycling through the same prompts every day — brush your teeth, get dressed, hurry up.

It felt like nagging.

And it wasn’t working.

So we started experimenting. Over time, a few small changes made a surprising difference.

Here are the tactics that helped our ADHD teen — and might help yours too.

1. Make Time Visible

Telling an ADHD teen “you have ten minutes” often means very little.

Instead, we started externalizing time.

Timers became our best friend.

Instead of saying “hurry up,” we say:
“Ten minutes for teeth and getting dressed — timer starts now.”

A visual timer works even better because kids can see time disappearing. When the red section shrinks, the urgency becomes real.

Time stopped being abstract.

It became visible.

2. Break Mornings Into Micro-Steps

To neurotypical adults, “get ready for school” sounds simple.

But for an ADHD brain, it’s actually a multi-step executive function challenge.

So we stopped giving big instructions and started breaking the morning into small pieces:

• Wake up

• Eat breakfast

• Brush teeth

• Wash face

• Get dressed

• Put on shoes

• Grab backpack

Each step has its own timer.

Instead of feeling like one giant task, the morning became a series of small wins.

3. Remove Hidden Time Traps

ADHD teens can lose time in unexpected ways.

For my teen, the biggest culprit wasn’t her phone — it was getting stuck in transition moments.

Standing in her room deciding what to do next.
Looking for socks.
Walking back to her room because she forgot something.

We started solving the friction points:

• Backpack packed the night before

• Water bottle and morning meds on the kitchen counter

• Uniform shirts, shorts, and pants in a dedicated spot in the closet

Every decision removed meant one less place for time to vanish.

4. Shift From Nagging to Structure

For years, I thought my job was to remind her constantly.

But reminders create friction.

Structure creates independence.

Timers, routines, and predictable steps started replacing my voice in the morning.

Instead of hearing me say “hurry up,” she hears the timer.

And strangely enough, she responds better to the timer than to me.

What Time Blind Teens Actually Need

If you’re parenting an ADHD teen who is always late, it’s easy to assume they’re not trying.

But time blindness isn’t about effort.

It’s about how the brain processes time.

Most ADHD kids aren’t ignoring the clock.

They simply don’t feel it.

Once we stopped expecting our child to manage time internally and started building external supports, our mornings became calmer.

Not perfect.

But calmer.

And if you’re in the middle of the morning chaos right now, know this:

You’re not alone.

A lot of ADHD parents are fighting the same clock every morning.

If you’re raising an ADHD teen, what has helped in your house? I’m always looking for new ideas.

This article also appears on Midlife in Progress.

This isn’t because ADHD causes suicidality outright. It’s because ADHD shapes how teens experience emotion, stress, rejection, and failure—often in ways that compound over time.

One of the strongest links between ADHD and self-harm is emotional dysregulation. Teens with ADHD tend to feel emotions more intensely and have fewer internal tools to regulate them in the moment. Frustration escalates quickly. Shame cuts deeply. When emotional pain feels overwhelming and endless, self-injury can become a way to regain control or briefly quiet the noise.

Impulsivity adds another layer of risk. ADHD brains are wired for speed, not pause. In moments of distress, a teen may act on harmful urges before there’s time to think through consequences or reach out for help. Research shows that this impulsivity increases the likelihood that suicidal thoughts—common during adolescence—turn into actions.

Social experiences matter, too. Many teens with ADHD grow up absorbing constant correction: Try harder. Focus. Why can’t you just… Over time, these messages can crystallize into a belief that they are broken or failing. Peer rejection, academic struggles, and disciplinary issues reinforce that narrative, increasing vulnerability to depression and self-injury.

ADHD also rarely exists in isolation. Anxiety, depression, substance use disorders, and learning differences are all more common in teens with ADHD—and each independently increases suicide risk. When these challenges overlap, the emotional load can feel unbearable.

But here’s the hopeful truth: these outcomes are not inevitable.

ADHD is highly treatable, and support is a powerful protective factor. Teens with ADHD who feel understood, believed, and consistently supported are significantly less likely to engage in self-harm or develop suicidal behaviors.

For parents, one of the most important steps is shifting the lens from behavior to regulation. Emotional outbursts, withdrawal, or risky behavior are often signs that a teen’s nervous system is overwhelmed—not that they’re being defiant or dramatic. Responding with curiosity instead of punishment helps preserve trust and keeps communication open.

Consistency also matters. Predictable routines, clear expectations, and calm follow-through create external structure that ADHD brains rely on. When life feels less chaotic on the outside, emotions become easier to manage on the inside.

Parents can also help by naming emotions and modeling coping strategies. Many teens with ADHD need these skills taught explicitly. Saying things like, “It looks like you’re really overwhelmed—let’s slow this down together,” gives them language and tools they can eventually use on their own.

Professional support can be life-saving. Evidence-based therapy, medication when appropriate, and routine screening for depression and suicidal ideation all reduce risk. If a teen is self-injuring, early intervention matters more than perfection—waiting for things to “get worse” is not necessary to justify help.

Most importantly, teens need to know this: their struggles make sense, and they are not alone.

Order doesn’t come from suppressing chaos. It comes from understanding it—and for teens with ADHD, that understanding can be the difference between suffering in silence and finding a way forward.

A Parent Takeaway: What Helps Most

If you’re parenting a teen with ADHD and this topic feels heavy, start here: risk is not destiny. Your presence, understanding, and consistency matter more than getting everything right.

1. Look for overwhelm, not “bad behavior.”
Emotional outbursts, shutdowns, or risky choices often signal a nervous system in overload. Asking “What’s going on underneath this?” keeps connection intact.

2. Make emotions speakable.
Name what you see: “That looked really frustrating,” or “You seem exhausted and discouraged.” Teens are less likely to act on pain they can talk about.

3. Slow things down.
Impulsivity thrives in chaos. Predictable routines, clear expectations, and calm responses create the external structure ADHD brains need to regulate internally.

4. Teach coping skills out loud.
Many teens with ADHD don’t intuit regulation strategies—they learn them. Model pausing, problem-solving, and asking for help. These are skills, not character traits.

5. Take self-injury and dark thoughts seriously—without panic.
You don’t need to have perfect words. You just need to listen, validate, and loop in professional support early.

6. Protect the relationship first.
Correction without connection increases shame. Connection builds resilience. Your teen needs to know they are loved especially when things are hard.

ADHD is not a failure of parenting or character. It is a different nervous system that needs different support. When teens feel understood instead of managed the chaos softens—and hope has room to grow.

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If you’re raising a child with ADHD, you’ve probably heard the classic refrain:
“You’re so smart — why can’t you just…?”

Just finish the assignment.
Just sit still.
Just do your best.

What most people don’t understand is that ADHD has nothing to do with intelligence and everything to do with executive function — the skills that help us start tasks, stay organized, manage time, and follow through. For kids with ADHD, these invisible processes are the steepest part of the mountain.

Yet our culture loves visible results:
-The grade
-The win
-The measurable outcome

Meanwhile, the real victories — the invisible ones — are unfolding quietly beneath the surface.

And unless we learn to notice and celebrate them, our kids may never recognize just how hard they’re actually working.

The Problem With a Results-Only Scorecard

We all want our kids to succeed academically, but when grades become the primary indicator of value, ADHD kids often internalize a painful message:

“If I’m not producing, I’m failing.”

That’s a heavy burden for a child whose brain is still learning how to manage time, regulate emotions, and juggle multiple steps at once.

A “simple” worksheet is not simple.
A 200-word essay is not just 200 words.
Reading a chapter and remembering it is not straightforward.

These tasks rely on brain systems that ADHD uniquely impacts. But because the struggle is internal, others only see the output — not the monumental effort it took to get there.

So when a child tries their hardest and still gets a C…
or organizes their binder but loses a paper later that week…
or sits at the table for an hour but finishes only half the task…

…we miss the moment if we look only at the final line on the report card.

The Invisible Wins

Effort with ADHD often looks like:

• Sitting down to start, even if they don’t finish

• Asking for help instead of melting down

• Organizing their backpack… even if it only lasts two days

• Re-doing a problem after realizing it was wrong

• Remembering to bring the right folder to school

• Advocating for an accommodation they need

• Trying again after a rough day

These efforts might seem small — even unremarkable — but for ADHD kids, they can be enormous leaps.

They’re the scaffolding that future success is built on.

When we recognize and praise these wins, we’re telling our kids:

“I see how hard you’re working — and that matters.”

And that message lands far deeper than any letter grade ever could.

A Personal Shift: From Output to Effort

I’ll admit — I was once stuck in results mode myself. Grades felt like a scoreboard. They told me where my child stood, how she was doing, where she needed help.

But over time, I began to notice how her energy, anxiety, and confidence rose or fell depending on how much weight I gave to outcomes.

She’d come home with a low grade despite trying her best, and the disappointment on her face spoke volumes:

“Why do I even bother?”

It wasn’t the grade that hurt — it was the fact that her effort had gone unseen.

So I shifted.
I started celebrating the things that nobody else would notice:
“She remembered to bring home her planner.”
“She started the project today instead of the night before.”
“She advocated for more time.”
“She stuck with math for 15 minutes without shutting down.”

The more I praised these moments, the more she started seeing her own strengths, persistence, and resilience.

Her confidence changed.
Her self-talk changed.
Our relationship changed.

Grades still mattered, sure — but they stopped being the only metric.

How to Celebrate the Wins You Can’t See

Here are some ways to make effort visible in your home:

1. Praise the process

Instead of “Great job on the test,” try:

“I saw how hard you studied — that’s what I’m proud of.”

2. Name the skill behind the effort

“You planned ahead — that shows responsibility.”
“You stuck with it even when it was frustrating — that’s perseverance.”

3. Reflect together

Ask:

“What part was hardest?”
“What helped you keep going?”

Show them that reflection is part of success.

4. Set goals based on effort, not outcomes

Instead of “Get an A,” try:

“Work for 20 focused minutes, then take a break.”

5. Track effort streaks

Use a sticker chart, checkmark list, or habit tracker — whatever feels fun.
This makes intangible effort tangible.

Why It Matters

Kids with ADHD are at higher risk for low self-esteem, anxiety, and perfectionism. When they constantly feel like they’re “not good enough,” they may give up before they’ve even begun.

Celebrating effort:

• Builds resilience

• Encourages problem-solving

• Strengthens intrinsic motivation

• Helps kids try again after failure

• Reminds them they are more than their grades

And most importantly?

It helps them see themselves as capable human beings — not broken versions of someone else’s expectation.

The Long Game

Education is important — but academic success is just one thread in the tapestry of a child’s life.

If our kids learn to try hard, reflect, adapt, ask for help, and keep going…
they’ll be equipped for adulthood in ways that no single test score can measure.

We are raising humans — not report cards.

And every time we celebrate the wins no one else sees, we give our kids the confidence to take another step… even when the path is steep and the world is demanding results they’re still learning to deliver.

Because the truth is simple and profound:

Effort builds capacity.
Consistency builds resilience.
Encouragement builds identity.

And when we help ADHD kids feel seen for who they are — not just what they achieve — we’re giving them a foundation they can stand on for a lifetime.

You’re Doing Important Work

If you’re here, it means you’re paying attention. You want to support your child in the way they need, not the way the world assumes.

That’s already a win — even if no one else sees it.

If you thought parenting a young child with ADHD was a challenge, buckle up, buttercup! The teenage years can feel like entering an entirely new dimension — or the Twilight Zone. The same impulsivity, distractibility, and emotional intensity that once showed up as playground kerfuffles or lost shoes now emerge in bigger, more complex ways, and with higher stakes and greater independence.

But here’s the truth: adolescence isn’t just a harder version of childhood ADHD. It’s a developmental shift — one that can actually help your child grow into their strengths if you learn to adjust your approach right alongside them.

The Push and Pull of Independence

Every teen wants freedom, but for teens with ADHD, that drive can clash with the executive functioning skills they’re still developing. They crave independence — to manage their time, schoolwork, and friendships — but often struggle to do so consistently.

As parents, our instinct is to step in, to remind, to fix, to protect. But teens with ADHD need a gradual transfer of responsibility, not an abrupt cutoff or constant rescue.

I’ve had to learn this the hard way. My daughter loves to experiment in the kitchen, and my inner control freak used to cringe at the thought of flour on the counters or a trail of dishes in the sink. But somewhere along the way, I realized the “mess” was also a sign of independence, curiosity, and self-confidence — the very things I want her to develop. So now, when she wants to try a new recipe, I take a deep breath, step back, and let her create. Yes, the kitchen looks like a hurricane hit it. But she beams with pride when she presents her latest concoction, and I remind myself that my job is to guide, not micromanage.

Start small:

• Let them plan one part of their week — a ride, a meal, a project — and then reflect together on what worked and what didn’t.

• Use “previewing” rather than lecturing. (“What might trip you up this week?” vs. “Don’t forget your assignments.”)

• Focus on progress, not perfection. ADHD development often lags a few years behind chronological age, so a 16-year-old might need scaffolding that looks more like what you’d expect for a 13-year-old — and that’s okay.

Emotional Volatility: The New Frontier

Puberty adds an unpredictable layer to ADHD symptoms. Emotional regulation — already a core struggle for many ADHD kids — can feel like a rollercoaster during adolescence. You may notice bigger reactions, sharper words, or retreating moods.

This isn’t defiance as much as dysregulation. The teen brain, flooded with hormonal and neurological changes, is learning to process complex emotions with limited tools.

What helps:

• Stay calm, even when they can’t. Your regulation teaches theirs. This one is hard, trust me!

• Model taking breaks: “I need five minutes to cool down; then we’ll talk.”

• Normalize their emotions — without excusing harmful behavior. (“I get that you’re frustrated. Let’s figure out a way to show it that doesn’t hurt anyone.”)

Picking Your Battles (and Keeping Your Sanity)

If you’ve got a teen with ADHD, you know the sass can rival any sitcom teenager — only with a little extra flair. I’ve learned that not every comment deserves a response, and not every eye roll needs to turn into a lecture. Sometimes, the best move is to take a breath and decide: Is this about respect or about regulation?

When my daughter throws out a sarcastic remark or snaps back, I’ve started to pause and ask myself what’s really going on. Is she overwhelmed? Tired? Trying to assert independence? Nine times out of ten, it’s one of those things — not actual disrespect. So instead of escalating, I’ll say something like, “I’m going to walk away and give us both a reset,” and come back to it later.

You don’t have to win every battle to win the war for connection. The more I let go of reacting to every bit of back talk, the more I see her open up when it really matters.

School and Self-Image

By high school, ADHD can start to impact identity. Many teens internalize years of “you’re not trying hard enough” or “you’re so smart, why can’t you just…?” and start seeing themselves as lazy or broken.

This is when encouragement matters most. Help them separate effort from outcome. Celebrate the process — organization attempts, self-advocacy, a completed assignment — even when the results aren’t perfect.

Encourage them to speak with teachers directly, even if it’s uncomfortable. Self-advocacy is a learned skill, and adolescence is the training ground for it.

Connection Over Control

The teenage years can test even the closest parent-child bonds, especially when ADHD is part of the mix. Connection can easily give way to constant correction — and that’s where both sides lose.

For me, this looks like ignoring the clothes all over her floor or the “creative chaos” of her redecorating projects. Letting her design her own space — however messy or mismatched it gets — gives her a sense of ownership and control in a world that often feels overwhelming.

Make time for shared joy, not just supervision. Watch a show together. Go for a drive. Bake late-night cookies (then eat them!). These moments remind your teen that your relationship isn’t only about managing behavior — it’s about belonging and love.

The Long Game

It can be tempting to measure your parenting success by short-term markers — grades, compliance, neat rooms. But raising a teen with ADHD is a long game. The goal isn’t to control every outcome; it’s to help them learn self-awareness, self-advocacy, and self-trust.

Progress in ADHD adolescence rarely looks linear — it’s more like a messy spiral with moments of real growth tucked between setbacks. Researchers like Dr. Russell Barkley have long noted that ADHD brain development tends to lag several years behind chronological age, which means growth often happens in bursts, not straight lines.

Your steadiness and belief in their capacity become the safety net they’ll keep returning to as they navigate adulthood.

If you’re in this stage right now, you’re not alone.
You’re guiding a teen through one of the most demanding transitions there is — and still showing up, learning, adjusting, and believing in them. That’s not small work. That’s parenting on hard mode — and doing it with heart.

If this resonated with you, hit the heart, share it with another ADHD parent, or reply to tell me what you’ve learned in the teen years. We’re all figuring it out — together.

If you’ve ever wondered whether to have your child tested for ADHD, you’re not alone. More parents are beginning to recognize the signs of ADHD in children — from trouble focusing to difficulty managing emotions — and to understand how early ADHD testing can make a lifelong difference. In this essay, I share my own story of getting my daughter tested at age five, what it taught me about neurodivergence, and why early understanding can help protect a child’s self-esteem for years to come.

When my daughter was in preschool, I got the note that every parent dreads — the one that starts with, “She’s bright, but…”

She was bright, absolutely. But she also couldn’t sit still. Circle time was a struggle, transitions were chaos, and she seemed to spend more time chatting or twirling than focusing. I remember thinking, She’s five — aren’t all five-year-olds like this?

But as the months went on, I could see her frustration growing. She wanted to do well. She tried to listen. And yet, she was constantly being corrected — told to calm down, focus, sit still — at school and at home . The joy that had always bubbled out of her started to shrink a little. That’s when I decided it was time to have her tested for ADHD.

Getting an early ADHD evaluation was one of the best parenting decisions I’ve ever made. Not because it gave us a diagnosis, but because it gave us understanding.

Early ADHD testing can be life-changing — not just for how a child learns, but for how they see themselves. When a child grows up hearing that they’re “too much,” “too loud,” or “not trying hard enough,” it chips away at their confidence. And that damage can linger for years.

My daughter is older now, and she’s still figuring out what it means to live in a neurodivergent brain in a world that isn’t always built for it. She’s whip-smart and creative, but she also wrestles with anxiety and doesn’t always handle pressure well. I sometimes wonder if those early years — before she understood that her brain just worked differently — planted tiny seeds of self-doubt that we’re still helping her unlearn.

That’s why I believe in testing early, if you suspect something might be going on. Not to label your child. Not to medicate them right away. But to give them the language and support they deserve before the world tells them they’re “difficult.”

Still, if you didn’t have your child tested early — please, don’t beat yourself up.

The truth is, people are only just now starting to talk openly about ADHD in children, especially in girls. When my daughter was little, ADHD was mostly associated with hyperactive boys who couldn’t stay in their seats. Girls who fidgeted, daydreamed, or talked too much were often seen as social butterflies, not as kids struggling to self-regulate.

We didn’t have the awareness then that we do now. And that’s okay. Parenting isn’t about perfection — it’s about learning, evolving, and advocating for our kids when we know better.

If you’re just starting to explore ADHD testing, or if you’re parenting a neurodivergent child who was diagnosed later, the most important thing you can do is be their voice. Ask questions. Seek out resources. Let them know that their brain isn’t broken — it’s just wired differently.

Early ADHD testing can change everything, yes. But compassion, advocacy, and self-understanding can change everything too — at any age.

Kids with ADHD often hear more about what they did wrong than what they did right—which can chip away at their confidence. That’s why I created a self-esteem journal just for them.

🧠 It’s designed to help your child reflect on their effort—not just their results. Because trying does matter. And so does recognizing how amazing they already are.

Download the one-page “Today I” printable to start building your child’s confidence in just 5 minutes a day.

Daily Self Esteem Journal

245KB ∙ PDF file

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Parenting a child with ADHD can feel like decoding a secret language with no manual and lots of noise. But what if you could hear what your kid wants to say—even when they can’t find the words?

That’s where this FREE printable comes in. It’s called “5 Things Your ADHD Kid Wishes You Knew”—a love note in disguise that helps you tune in, connect, and maybe even tear up a little.

5 Things Your Adhd Kid Wishes You Knew

22.2KB ∙ PDF file

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Want even more resources like this? Paid members get access to deep-dive tools, cheat sheets, and scripts to support your ADHD kid (and your sanity).

Inspired by the book The Anxious Generation, I’ve been thinking about the pressures young girls and women face today. These pressures come largely from social media comparison.

Social platforms make it easy to compare ourselves to others, and for young girls, this can be overwhelming. Carefully curated Instagram feeds and TikTok videos showcase seemingly “perfect” lives. This constant stream of images creates unrealistic expectations around beauty, success, and happiness.

The Endless Cycle of Social Media Comparison

Millennials and Gen X did not experience this level of exposure growing up. We had magazines and television, but our comparisons were limited. When we left school or work, we could take a break. Today, young girls carry this weight with them everywhere.

They are constantly exposed to influencers, celebrities, and peers in ways we never were. Social media comparison creates impossible standards and pressures young girls to project idealized versions of themselves. They feel the need to craft online personas that fit society's standards of beauty and success.

The Anxious Generation highlights the emotional toll of this comparison culture. It’s not just about keeping up with trends or looking a certain way. Young girls constantly measure their worth against unattainable ideals.

This pressure can lead to anxiety, depression, and feelings of inadequacy. The constant exposure to perfection through social media comparison distorts their view of reality, making them feel like they will never measure up.

Shifting Focus: Building Confidence Over Perfection

Women in their 40s, 50s, and beyond often see things differently. While we may still feel pressure from time to time, many of us have gained confidence and self-acceptance with age. We know that perfection doesn’t exist, and we are more comfortable embracing our flaws.

This doesn't mean we are immune to social media’s effects. Still, in this hyper-connected world, we tend to have a more grounded sense of self than younger generations.

Younger generations experience constant comparison at a different level. Millennials and Gen X had fewer avenues for comparison while growing up. We didn’t have smartphones, and our adolescence wasn’t dominated by filters, likes, and followers. This freedom allowed us to develop our identities more privately and personally, away from the scrutiny of a global audience.

Girls in virtual networks are subjected to hundreds of times more social comparison than girls had experienced for all of human evolution. They are exposed to more cruelty and bullying because social media platforms incentivize and facilitate relational aggression.

-Jonathan Haidt, The Anxious Generation: How the Great Rewiring of Childhood is Causing an Epidemic of Mental Illness

The constant comparison loop on social media is troubling, but it doesn’t define us. Young girls and women must remember that social media comparison is just a highlight reel, not real life.

By focusing on self-acceptance and reducing the urge to compare, we can break free from the anxiety that social media often fuels. The goal should be building confidence, not chasing a false sense of perfection.

Helpful Resources to Break Free From Social Media Comparison

1. American Psychological Association (APA): They offer articles on the effects of social media on mental health and well-being.

   • Social Media and Mental Health

2. Mental Health America: This organization provides resources and articles on mental health issues, including the impact of social media.

   • Mental Health America - Social Media

3. NPR - The Impact of Social Media on Mental Health: A detailed exploration of how social media affects mental health and self-esteem.

   • NPR Article

4. Daring Greatly by Brené Brown: This book encourages readers to embrace vulnerability and discusses the importance of self-acceptance and connection.

Managing ADHD in children can be challenging for parents, but a well-structured rewards system can provide positive reinforcement, encourage desirable behavior, and help children with ADHD thrive.

The following steps you through how to create a rewards system that works for your child. There’s also a free downloadable chart at the end to help you keep track of your child’s behavior.

Step 1: Identify Target Behaviors

Before setting up a rewards system, it's essential to identify specific behaviors you want to encourage. These behaviors should be clear, achievable, and positively framed.

• Example Behaviors:

  • Completing homework on time.

  • Following morning and bedtime routines.

  • Using polite language.

  • Keeping their room tidy.

Tip: Start with one or two behaviors to avoid overwhelming your child and gradually introduce more as they become accustomed to the system.

Step 2: Set Clear Expectations

Once you’ve identified the target behaviors, establish clear, easy-to-understand expectations. Be specific about what you want your child to do and how often.

• Example:

  • “Complete homework every day before 6 PM without reminders.”

Tip: Use visual aids, such as charts (free customizable chart below) or lists, to help your child understand and remember these expectations.

Step 3: Choose Appropriate Rewards

Select rewards that are motivating for your child. Rewards don’t have to be material; they can be privileges, activities, or special time with a parent.

• Types of Rewards:

  • Immediate Rewards: Small, frequent rewards given shortly after the behavior, such as extra screen time or a small treat.

  • Delayed Rewards: Larger rewards earned over time, such as a trip to the zoo or a new toy.

Tip: Involve your child in the process of choosing rewards to ensure they find them motivating.

Step 4: Create a Simple Tracking System

Develop a tracking system to monitor your child’s progress. This could be a chart, a sticker system, or a digital app. Make sure it's easy for both you and your child to use.

• Example System:

  • Each time your child meets the expectation, they earn a sticker. Once they collect a certain number of stickers, they can redeem them for a reward.

Tip: Use a consistent color or symbol to represent each behavior, making the system visually engaging.

Step 5: Implement and Monitor the System

Start using the rewards system consistently. Regularly monitor your child's progress and adjust the system as needed.

• Daily Check-In: Spend a few minutes each day reviewing your child's progress and discussing what went well and what could improve.

• Adjustments: If the system isn’t working as expected, consider modifying the behaviors, expectations, or rewards.

Tip: Stay patient and flexible; it may take time for your child to fully adapt to the system.

Step 6: Praise and Encourage

In addition to rewards, offer verbal praise and encouragement to reinforce positive behavior. Acknowledge effort as well as success.

• Examples of Praise:

  • “I’m so proud of how you completed your homework today!”

  • “You did a great job following your bedtime routine tonight.”

Tip: Be specific in your praise so your child knows exactly what they did well.

Step 7: Gradually Fade Out Rewards

As your child becomes more consistent in their behavior, gradually reduce the frequency of rewards. The goal is for them to internalize positive behaviors without needing external reinforcement.

• Steps to Fade Out:

  • Start by increasing the number of behaviors required for a reward.

  • Gradually replace tangible rewards with praise and recognition.

Tip: Make the transition gradual to avoid frustration or regression.

A well-structured rewards system can be a powerful tool for parents of children with ADHD. By setting clear expectations, choosing meaningful rewards, and providing consistent positive reinforcement, you can help your child develop good habits and improve their behavior over time.

Final Reminder: Every child is different, so be prepared to adapt the system to meet your child’s specific needs. With patience, consistency, and love, you can create a positive and supportive environment for your child to thrive.

Download your printable rewards chart below (available in PDF and XLS):

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Join chat

How to get started

1. Get the Substack app by clicking this link or the button below. New chat threads won’t be sent sent via email, so turn on push notifications so you don’t miss conversation as it happens. You can also access chat on the web.

Get app

2. Open the app and tap the Chat icon. It looks like two bubbles in the bottom bar, and you’ll see a row for my chat inside.

3. That’s it! Jump into my thread to say hi, and if you have any issues, check out Substack’s FAQ.